28 feb 2011
One day after I was discharge from PEH and 1 week after spine surgery.. I was left alone at home till ard 4plus when my mum finishes work.. Still feeling very drowsy and a lot of pain..can't remember how the pain is like, so unable to describe.. Only remembered that is pain at the whole of the lower back and left leg pain.. And legs were very weak..Didn't get out of bed much.. Only got out of bed to settle some things for school.. Was lying down while using my laptop.. Feeling was terrible.. So painful but still have to settle my school's deferment issue.. Felt totally like a handicapped person, breakfast was prepared by mum before she left for work and was also placed just beside my bed.. Only time when I am up sitting and walking was when I need to use the toilet or take food/medicines.. Other than that I will be lying on bed..
1 Mar 2011
The 9th day after operation.. Same routine for me.. Still lying on bed most of the time.. Cos still feeling pain, numbness and weakness like previous day.. Except that mum brought me to walk for awhile.. Other than that, nothing much that is different.. School's issue not settled yet.. Still waiting for responses..
2 Mar 2011
10th day after surgery.. Morning was as usual for me.. Breakfast from mum, etc... Today is the day to go for follow up with my spine doctor and pain doctor.. Dear took time off to send me to mount elizabeth hospital for my spine doctor's appt at 2.50pm.. Dear went into consultation room with me but didn't dare to look at my scar..finished consultation with my spine doctor at 3.15pm.. Made another appt to remove my stitches on 7 mar.. Received a call from my pain doctor's clinic that my appt have to be moved to 4plus or 5pm as my doctor is stucked in an operation due to some issues arising during that operation.. Have no choice but to wait.. So dear drove me to fetch mum at bishan and we had lunch at delifrance before heading back to mount elizabeth hospital to see my pain doctor.. We were just nice when we reached the clinic.. My doctor just came back.. By the the time we saw him was 4.30pm already.. Told him that I was still in pain and he reviewed my medications and made some changes to the medications I am taking.. At first dear was with me and mum in the consultation room.. But later went out to answer a call and waited outside for us.. Talked quite a lot with my doctor till ard 6plus.. Didn't check the time.. Only realised that we talked for so long after we came out from the consultation room.. Felt so bad as dear waited outside for us for a long time and he still needs to return car and get back to work...in the end dear was late for work and worked till 11plus..so heartache to see him so tired.. Sorry dear.. But was happy that dear took time off to accompany me to see doctor and also waited so long for me outside the consultation room without complaining even though he will be late when he returns to work.. Thanks a lot dear for being so caring.. Love u for all that u r doing for me.. For all ur understanding, care and concern.. Thanks mum too for accompanying me..:D reached home at 7plus and was very tired already.. Slept almost immediately after taking medications and dinner..:)
3 March 2011
11th day after surgery.. It was my sister's birthday.. Wasn't able to buy anything for her so gave her $50 as present to her..school still have not replied abt my application to defer.. Therefore nothing much to do.. So morning was still as usual but with increasing pain and weakness.. When mum came back, she bought a strawberry shortcake for cynthia's birthday.. But she accidentally dropped the cake when she just step into the house as her hands were feeling pain.. In the end the cake was smashed.. Told mum that we should get a new cake for cynthia as it was her 18th birthday.. :) so mum went all the way to west coast to buy a new similar cake..mum brought me to walk before she went to buy the cake and my legs were very weak and I gave way suddenly, falling towards the front and with the knees down.. I was lucky that it wasn't my back the was down.. After mum got the cake back, we celebrated for cynthia and after that I went to bed as I was feeling pain and weak.. At the same time very sad as I can't believe that I will be so weak that my legs gave way too.. :( can tell that mum is very guilty for my fall but I reassured her that i am fine though deep in me, I was also very scare that the fall will effect my implants and my spine.. But I didn't tell her as I dun want her to worry so much abt me.. :( felt so useless and that I am a big burden to everyone..:(
4 march 2011
12th day after surgery.. woke up in the morning feeling more pain due to the fall.. Started to feel scare but pain subsided abit after taking painkillers.. Used my com to watch dramas as I wasn't able to get out of bed to walk.. Waited till mum to be back, had dinner, medicine and sleep again..
5 march 2011
13th day after surgery.. Was still feeling a lot of pain and tightness at my back as well as my left leg..nothing seems to be able to relieve the pain and tightness.. Went down for a walk with mum even though there was pain as I can't keep lying on the bed.. My leg still feels very weak..can't remember wat else I did besides going down for a short walk and sleep.. All the medications are making me very drowsy and tired..
6 march 2011
14th day after surgery.. Feeling quite a lot of pain still but it was grandma's birthday so went to her house to celebrate her birthday for her.. Took a walking stick with me as I had a fall previously and was very afraid that I will fall again as my legs were still very weak.. When I entered grandma's house, all my aunties and uncles were shock as I was with walking stick and all started to ask abt my condition.. Repeated the whole story to them.. Didn't go for long as I wasn't feeling too well.. So went home after abt 1 to 2hours.. When I reached home, I was feeling pain and tired.. I took my medications and sleep again.. :(
7 March 2011
15th day after surgery.. Today is the day to remove my stitches.. As usual, I was alone at home in the morning.. The pain at my back is slowly getting better but the pain down my left leg is not improving at all.. The tightness is also not improving much.. Went to see my spine surgeon with my mum in the afternoon to remove the stitches.. At first I was so scare that it will hurt a lot to remove the stitches... But it was only like a small sting and the stitches were out in less than a minute.. Told my doctor that I had a fall on 3mar.. His reaction was super big.. But after examining my wound, he was more relieve.. He told me to be extra careful and not fall anymore.. And I told him that I will try.. He taught me some physio exercises and wrote a letter for me to see my physiotherapist.. We left his clinic at 4plus and took a cab back..
8 march to 10 march
16th to 18th day after surgery.. Nothing much happened.. It was just as usual, woke up in the morning took my breakfast that mum prepared for me, rested after taking the medications and waited for mum to bring lunch back to me.. After that mum would bring me for a walk.. Pain wasn't getting any better..so I called my pain doctor on 10march to ask him wat I should do..told him that I fell that day and his reaction was also the same as how my spine surgeon had reacted.. Told him that my pain is not getting better and he advised that I go to AH to see him the next day.. Was told to go for blood test in the morning first and to see him in the afternoon..
11 march 2011
Went to AH early in the morning for my blood test and went home after that to rest then went to see my pain doctor in the afternoon at ard 1.45pm.. Didn't have to wait for long as I was seen as a walk in patient and was my doctor's first case.. Told him that I am still feeling a lot of pain at my left leg as well as pain and tightness at my back.. He examined my back to make sure that the implants are still in place and to identify the painful areas of my back.. He suggested two things that I could try.. 1 is to go for 3 alternate days of calcitonin injection at the day ward to see if my nerves will be less sensitive and eventually cause me lesser pain.. 2 is to be warded for 7days to infuse ketamine for 24 hours for 7days.. I rejected the idea of admitting for 7days at that time as I have some things to settle for the deferment of my school..so I went for the 1st suggestions.. I was sent to ward 1 after that for the calcitonin injection..it felt so terrible thoughout the whole process.. Felt giddy, nausea and pain.. The whole process was just so terrible..i vomitted for 2times at ward 1 right after the injection was given to me.. My doctor came to review after that I told him that I didn't want to continue for the other 2days as I felt so terrible.. He was good and gave me a choice.. He knows that I am feeling very terrible and did not force me to continue with the other 2days of treatment.. Can see that both my doctor, the nurses and my mum were very worried for me.. I felt so terrible that I cried as I really did not understand y I should be going through all this pain.. :( I was really feeling very down and upset..but had to stay as calm as I could so that mum would not be too worried for me..:( but deep inside me, I was so scared, worried and sad and there was no one whom I can really talk to.. I was just very afraid that everyone will find me very troublesome and not bother abt me soon.. That is why I kept everything to myself and tried to show that I am calm.. But I am really not ok..:(
This is part 2 of my eventful two months.. I shall continue to blog on the part 3, 4, 5 and maybe more soon..
Each time I was suggested by my doctor with a new treatment to reduce my pain, I will have a lot of worries and fear in me.. I would fear that during the treatment/ procedure, i will feel more terrible..and fear that my pain will not reduce.. I will be worried too as I dun really know how I should explain to my family, friends and dear why I am going for this treatment/procedure when I had already undergone a surgery.. Many times I do not know how I should tell them the pain that I am having/going through and do not know if they really understand my pain.. I just hoped that they will support me all the way and support my decision and not question so much as I know wat I am doing and I am doing all the treatment/ procedure as I am still feeling the pain and I really hope that by going ahead with the treatment/ procedure that my doctor has suggested, I will feel better.. I have full confident that wat my doctor has suggested is for my good and not to harm me.. Really thankful that they had given me the support that I needed so far and I really hope that my family, friends and dear will continue to support me and not give up on me while I am now still moving very slowly on my road to recovery.. :)
My biggest fear now is fear of being a burden to anyone.. Be it a burden to my dear, my family, my friends or my colleagues.. I just can't help thinking that way as I am indeed very troublesome to everyone now.. I can't work for long, can't go out for long, can't walk for long, can't sit for long and keeps feeling pain which I dunno how long this will continue.. I really really hope that all of u will not give up on me now and will be there to support me.. I will get better only with the support from everyone.. Just need a little concern and encouragement from all of u everyday so that I could better overcome my pain each day and continue with physiotherapy.. So that I will get better soon..
Once again, I would like to thanks my family, friends, bosses and colleagues for supporting me, especially my mum, sis, bro, sis-in-law and dear..
To Dear:
Dear, I am sorry for not being able to go out/ go shopping/ spend much time with u for the last two months.. I know that u do at times feel lonely and sian.. I hope u would continue to support me and not give up on me yet.. I am already trying my very best to get better soon and this really takes time and a lot of effort for me to do so.. I know it has been a hard period for u and me for this two months.. But promise me that u will stand by me and not leave/ give up on me.. K? I really can't imagine how I will be able to continue improving and get better without u by my side as I am really loving u so much.. Hope that u can be there for me during this hardest period of my life and also for the rest of my life..thanks a lot for being so understanding and supportive so far.. Thanks for being by my side all this while to support me and walk my most difficult times together with me.. Pls continue to be there for me, k? I know that you have been very busy with your assignments and work recently and I do not want to stress you for anything.. Just want you to know that everytime I receive ur msg with words of encouragement to me, it will really brighten up my day alot..I will really try my best to get better soon..I know I am very troublesome now but please bear with me awhile more..k? Give me a chance to slowly recover so that eventually we can have a better future together..k? =p Thanks for being so understanding towards me and sorry dear for being so troublesome! loving u lots dear!:D
To Clare:
Thanks for always talking and lending me a listening ear almost everyday even though we only know each other for less than a month during our recent hospital stay at AH.. :D
To Mike:
Thanks for the encouragement you have given me all the way from the start till now. You must also Jiayou and not give up so easily..k? I will always remember all that you have done for me as a friend. Thanks alot! =D