SERENE(:

Tuesday, June 19, 2007
:: Changes, changes n changes... ::

Things ard us are always changing..even ppl ard us r changing..we, ourselves r changing too..why???

He had changed..changed alot..but why am i still holding on to him???why can't i give him up and let go of him???i really dunno why..To him, everything i do will nv be better than his other FRIENDS..his other FRIENDS are always better than me..when he is in need, the first person he thinks of will nv be me..u knew that i had feelings for u but u chose not to acknowledge it..u knew that i treated u well but u nv showed that u appreciated it..cos in ur heart u only have ur other FRIENDS..who am i to u??? N when i msg u, u nv reply..i am really disappointed..Do u still regard me as ur friend??

Hmmm..enough of him..now let's talk abt just now.. Just now went out for dinner with Darling n Irene.. Arranged for six ppl to meet up for dinner, in the end only three turned up..n that is Darling, Irene n me..the other three couldn't make it..they r all BUSY with their own things..one gt dance, one going out with his friends n the other one LAST MIN cannot make it..not like us..so free to meet up to eat dinner together..I am not angry with any of them..i am just disappointed..cos it's been a long time since we had a chance to meet up with one another..but in the end only three could make it..i understand that everyone is busy..i am busy n so r the two of them who turned up..they r busy too..Is it really so difficult to just meet up for dinner?? Just a dinner n nothing much..if earlier on u knew that u can't make it, why last min then tell me??if u were me, how would u feel?? At least if u told me earlier, i could arrange for another day to meet up..we r perfectly fine with it..but why always wait till last min then tell me u can't make it??? i know that u didn't mean to wait till last min then tell me..u wanted to tell me last min cos u dun wanna spoil my day..but by doing that, u spoilt the rest of my day even more..haiz..i shall not continue..if not later become misunderstanding..just wanna write it here so that i won't keep it inside me..i better go sleep..

Kat, i am not angry with u..i am just abit sad n disappointed..

SERENE-D(x 1:41 am

:: My thoughts!!! ::

About two weeks plus nv blog le..cos was too tired to blog when i get home from work everyday..tmr off from work..so can blog..many things happened during the past two weeks..

First was that i went to see my doctor on 30/05/07 as i was having migriane..then my doctor told me something that shocked me a little..he said that my blood pressure was higher than normal ppl of my age..i couldn't believe it but i gt to accept the fact..hmmm..he said that it was because i am too stressed up..stress was also the cause of my migriane too..so he told me that i should try not to be so stressed up..as it will not be good for me in the long run..think i got to try my best to relax more n not be so stressed up..i should also eat more healthy food in future..if not i may end up having high blood pressure in future..hahaha..

There are some reasons why i am so stressed up..hmmm..ever since i started working in DBS, i have these fear in me..fear that i won't be able to save up enough for my studies..fear that i can't give my mum a better life..my greatest fear is that my dad would keep taking money from me..n this really happened shortly after i gt my first salary..i really dunno wat i should do..seeing his hp no appearing on my hp, will turn me off..as i know that he wants to take money from me again..first is $100..then is $200..next is $100 n so on....i really dunno how much i should earn so that i would have enough to give him..i am really feeling so tired n stressed..i need to save up for my studies too..nobody understands..

There was once when he wanted to take $200 from me n i told him i have not enough as i need to save up for my studies, he called to quarrel with me..saying that i have grown up and dun regard him as my father anymore..i really did not say that i dun regard him as my father anymore..i just say that i need to save up for my studies..wat's wrong with me saying that??? Am i really wrong?? i really dun understand wat he is thinking and wat i should do next..i am really lost..no one could help me..no one could understand how i feel..not even my mum, brother n sister..i had no one to talk to..so i chose to keep it to myself..

A few days after that incident whereby he wanted to take $200 from me n i did not give it to him, he msg me n told me that he is going to die..n said that my brother n i had grown up..so if he is dead, we must take good care of my sister..this is not the first time he said something like this to me..i am really sick n tired of this..when will he stop his stupid act?? i really can't take it anymore longer..so wat if he is dead???Does that mean that everything will be solved if he die??? Leaving us behind to pay off his debts..leaving us behind to answer to his family members..n to my grandmother..leaving us behind with all his burdens..is that being fair to us??? I am really pissed off..really..going to break down soon..no one is there to share my problems with me..where is everyone when i needed them most?? Can anyone tell me when will all this end???

Seeing my mother work so hard really hurt me alot..working from day till night, mon to sun..i really would like to give her a better life from now on..but i realised that i can't do it..i can only give my mum $300 per month..cos my dad is always taking money from me..n i need to save for my studies..i know that $300 per month is too little for my mum..feel so sorry for my mum..really..i hope that i really hoped that i could give my mum more in future..sorry mum..

As for my work at DBS, i am still trying my best to cope..i gradually realised the ppl there are all so fake..most of them are selfish n fake..they are not willing to teach..n all they do is just push all the responsibilties away from them..they pass me things to do but nv tell me how to do it..when i ask, they won't answer me..i find it abit hard to work in this kind of environment..at times i really feel like giving up, quit n look for another job..but the thought of my mum, stops me from giving up so soon..cos i know that if i quit so soon, my mum will be very disappointed n even more worried..for my mum's sake, i must try my best to get use to the environment..if it's really too much for me to take it, i will go look for another job before quitting..so that my mum won't be so worried for me..now i just hope that my bro will get a job asap so that he could contribute abit to the family n to my mum.. then i would be less stressed up..n hopefully my blood pressure will be lowered n i won't have migriane so often..

Actually, i still gt alot to write..but i think is too much le..i shall continue another time or in another entry..(",)

SERENE-D(x 12:36 am